Backlog

I wanted to post these older entries from a blog that I started at livejournal.com.

I didn't want them to be lost forever, but I didn't really even remember they were there when I started this blog! Duh! Talk about "babymoon fog."

So, hope this works....


The mental list grows

Sep. 29th, 2009 at 9:11 AM

I'm having a big case of nerves...
Paul applied to a job at NMU last month, and just heard back yesterday that he didn't get the job. Sigh.
However, he also applied last week to a job at Cliff's Natural Resources (the iron ore mine in Ishpeming) and sent his resume to my uncle Tim, who is a foreman there. Tim gave the resume to his boss, who was reportedly very impressed. I'm wondering what we'll hear back from that.

The reason I guess I'm feeling nervous is because of the long distance move factor. While it would be great to live in the UP again (and I think we'd have a lot of support from my family), I worry about what we'd do with the house here and if we'd be able to swing it up there without me working for a while. If we stayed at my Grandma Hooper's at first, we'd likely be able to rapidly knock out our credit card debt, at least, and make a good dent in the car loan before we had to start paying a mortgage again. I feel nervous about asking her, for some reason. I just keep compiling little lists in my head about what we'd need to do for path A, and then alternately for path B, and for path C (moving to Washington or elsewhere with steady electrical work).







Sep. 23rd, 2009

12:12 PM

Sooo....another long hiatus.
I went to vinyasa yoga this morning and have done so each week for the last 3 weeks. I'm noticing that I have more energy after doing it, and it carries over into getting things done around the house and facing the day. So, I'd love to keep going and getting better at it, as I feel like the least able person in class and it makes me mad! I was able to do crow pose today for about 1.5 seconds before falling over, which was a triumph for me, not having been able to do it at all before. This is what it looks like:






Feeling less anxious but more slow-moving lately and wondering for the umpteenth time whether or not I'm suffering from some postpartum depression/anxiety. It just seems like everyone else has more energy than I, and I do feel a lot of internal worry and strife (not to mention a short fuse, irritability and overeating). I've called for some resources today and am waiting for call backs. I think that talking with someone would help me a lot...it has done so previously, and I'm not interested in medication.

I just really want to be the best me that I can be, the most happy and centered, peaceful me that I can be. I feel like there's a lot going on in my head and I don't want that to feel so scattered, negative and formless. I want to be a great mother to my boy and always make sure he feels like a respected and loved member of this family; I can't let him grow up with a crazy mom! It just feels like there's a lot on our proverbial plates right now:
1. Paul being out of work
2. Me going to work when I hate it
3. Foreclosure of the Wharton property
4. Potential long-distance move
5. Saying goodbye to midwifery apprenticeship (for now)
6. Changing relationship as parents instead of just partners
7. Changing lifestyle
8. Economic issues
et cetera!

On a lighter note, Henry is 8 months old and changing like crazy. He's gotten one tooth poking through, and can commando crawl around sooo very quickly and get into everything. Of course, he's particularly drawn to the things he can't have, like power cords and plastic bags. We need to get more serious about babyproofing, or at least gate off areas and put a lot of things behind closed doors. He's so sweet and funny, and just my big-eyed little sweetkin. He loves to eat mango and pears, hamburger, oatmeal and sweet potatoes. The folks are constantly amazed by the fact that he's not had any "baby" food and just feeds himself cut up foods in whole pieces (of course, he needs help with oatmeal). In a month or two, we'll start trying some yogurt and cheese and maybe some egg yolks. He is starting to play with a cup a bit, and my grand plan is to get him to drink a little nettle/rosehip tea every day with me to help boost his blood and immunity. Since we're not vaccinating him at this point, I really want to maximize our family health and keep everyone well.









Jul. 13th, 2009 at 4:49 PM

Wow, I was so NOT meaning to leave this journal alone for so long. Suffice to say that time slips away and I was actually writing on paper for a while.

Figured out that caffeine was the baby sleep killer, so have been caffeine-free since the first of May. That's working out great! I feel like a jerk for torturing poor Henry for so long with my morning (and afternoon) coffee habit. He's grown and changed so very much and is now almost 6 months old already. I'm more in love than ever and am thrilled every day by something that he does.

Paul's been laid off, and I'm back to work two days a week. While it's not as bad as I'd feared to be away at work (Paul brings Henry every day at noon-ish, so that's much easier!), I am really feeling stymied by the atmosphere at the birth center. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and I've had a "just hang on, grit your teeth and wait it out until Paul gets a permanent job" attitude. See, we'd planned for me to be able to stay at home with babies and had seriously faced this issue just a week or two before Paul was laid off. However, with his job loss, there was also a loss of health care benefits for Paul and Henry. Also, the unemployment checks were not quite enough to cover all of our expenses right now. So, back to work I went.
I think the main thing that bothers me about my job is the lack of respect shown to the birthing women and the new babies. There's not real informed consent going on, nor is there a belief that a woman's body is perfectly capable of giving birth without a lot of monkeying around. Most clients that come to us have already decided what they want their birth experience to be like, without really being aware of their options. It brings to mind a (paraphrased) quote I once read: If women knew that they could have the most spiritual, ecstatic and powerful experience of their lives with a low/no intervention birth, would they say no to it? In most cases, it's too late to influence someone's choices when they present in labor. Women are so conditioned by their friends, families, communities that birth is too hard without drugs, and that there's no benefit to doing it without intervention. Doctors are conditioned by their colleagues to practice in specific ways, and to think that birth is dangerous and must be controlled as much as possible. All this leads to a very unsatisfied me! I've felt called to midwifery care for so long; I've had in my head that I would complete training to be a CPM or CNM later in life, after my kids were in school and I had some "free time."

But, I've had an epiphany!

It struck me at the midwives' picnic this weekend. New Moon and other area midwifery practices host an annual family picnic to visit with the families they've worked with. We went, and I was chatting with one of our apprentice midwives, Jamie, about her training. She left, and I headed to the restroom. On my walk there, my wheels started turning. I thought about our situation now, and how our household is running. I felt strongly that now is a time for change in my work life. While Paul is out of work and can care for Henry while I am gone, and while I am only committed to two days a week at the hospital, why not start an apprenticeship now? Why not? I couldn't think of any real reasons not to pursue this now. I spoke to Amanda Topping about it on my way back to my blanket. She encouraged me to talk to area midwives and pursue it if I was ready. I then spoke to Amanda Smith about some political issues related to midwifery and we moved to apprenticeship. She was encouraging, and revealed that when she and Amanda talked about Jamie finishing soon, they had wished that I was looking for an apprenticeship. I was floored! Honored, flattered, excited, nervous...I can't describe in words how I feel except to say I am really looking forward to this journey. We need to meet together to talk about the next steps, but I can really see this happening.

Paul is excited and supportive, and wants me to pursue whatever will make me feel happy and satisfied. He knows that my work now is ever-frustrating and has full confidence that I will be a great midwife. I am so grateful for my loving and supportive partner.




Meh!

Apr. 11th, 2009 at 5:25 PM

That about sums it up.

I'm feeling frustrated with trying to figure out how Henry needs to sleep in the daytime. I end up with a very cranky baby who doesn't want to sleep at all. Maybe it's because he's getting so much new awareness that he wants to stay awake? Or maybe he's growing and hungry and uncomfortable? Whatever it is, the kid sleeps great at night, until 7 or 8am. We have an absolutely lovely morning together in bed; he nurses for a half-hour or so, then he's over to Paul for a snuggle, and I go downstairs to make coffee and oatmeal for us. We eat and caffeinate in bed, have "family sunggle" time, and then start the day. Henry starts drooping about 2 hours after his initial wake-up and looks so sleepy. I try nursing him down, and he'll appear to be asleep; I creep away and he's peeping up about 20 minutes later, so I repeat the nursing to sleep...same thing happens again. So we walk, we talk, I sing and dance, he rides in the sling outside to hang some clothes, we make the bed, whatever. Then, when I stop to check if he's sleeping, he pops back up again. So then, it's hand off to Paul, who takes Henry for a ride around on his arm, where he dozes off and on. Then, back to me around noon for another round of nursing to sleep. This one usually sticks, and he'll sleep until just after Paul leaves for work at 3:15.

I broke down yesterday and asked June if we could borrow her baby swing. I was so anti-swing, thinking I just wanted to carry and wear my baby everywhere, and this plastic contraption just doesn't seem very attachment friendly. I do love wearing him in his sling/carrier, but there are times where I just have to put him down; I don't feel right cooking with him on my front, nor can I shower with him there. Now that he's gotten so long, it's tough to tell where his legs are, so I keep bumping him awake. I really want to get a ring-type sling. I'm looking on craigslist for one of the mesh ones for summer and water. Maybe he'll even graduate from tub to shower with one of us if we can wear him. At any rate, he really won't handle being put down awake for long, maybe 5 minutes or so before fussing.

So, as of this writing, he woke up at 3:15, nursed, played on the floor with me and Blaze, got changed, and then got sleepy and fussy. Walking, rocking, more nursing, bouncing on the ball and singing failed to soothe him. I popped him into the swing and he promptly fell fast asleep. Gah. I don't want to use this thing regularly; it makes me feel like a bad mama for some reason.

I'm also struggling with some other things I need to spit out.

1. Anxiety about going back to work. I just don't want to go back there, but we need the money while I figure something else out.
2. Paying federal income taxes. Poo, that extra income last year made things screwy, as did the supplemental unemployment that isn't taxed normally.
3. My weight and fitness level. I feel so sluggy and really heavy. Strength training is feeling so good, but I really want to get more serious about cardio. Walking with Henry in the pack is good, but spinning would be even better. Gotta get to a point where I can get to the studio at 0630 again. Starting Monday, being totally mindful of what I put in my mouth, and ingesting only nutritious food that has some actual food value. I wish I were one of those women who just nursed the weight away, but I'm obviously not.



Hooray for...lots of stuff

Apr. 1st, 2009 at 3:09 PM

I'm super excited today, because Paul put up a clothesline for me yesterday. I've been missing the one at the old house, and really wanting to have one here. Now I can dry the diapers and sheets and stuff outside, and let the sun take care of the baby poo stains. Today was the perfect first day to use it, as it was bright sun and very windy. Maybe it was almost too windy? A few carelessly secured wipes flew off, but I just had to be more aggressive with my pinning. It was really nice just to see all the colorful diapers flapping on the line.


Also, a big hooray for getting the infant sling/harness setup for our Chariot. Now we can take Henry for jogs and walks in the stroller, rather than just in the sling. I love having him in the sling, but I can't run with him in it! Also, now we can stroll down to the coop and use the stroller to get more stuff home at once, so we don't have to drive there. I hate getting Henry in and out of the car seat for just a short hop.
Another hooray for figuring out a little bit more of how Henry needs his day to go. He'd been so fussy the last few days, and I think I figured out that it was because I was running around with him during times he needed quiet sleep. So, he was just getting cat naps rather than a chunk of sleep all at once. It was making him terribly fussy in the late evening, which was making me sort of brittle. It's hard not having someone to pass him to most days during his fussy time...it was great that this weekend was Paul's long weekend off. So, in a nutshell, Henry wakes up to eat between 7:30 and 8am. He can stay up until 11ish, usually, but then gets tired and wants to sleep until 3 or 3:30. Then, up again until about 7 or 8, walking, playing, nursing, visiting, erranding, and then pajamas, nursing and soft songs until he falls asleep again. He usually wakes to eat and diaper change between 11:30 and 12:30am, just in time for Paul to get home. He's been waking up to eat about ever 3-4 hours overnight, but just latches on and I fall back to sleep almost right away.

I'm trying to squeeze in some pumping, so there's a little milk in the fridge. I want to start working out again with Melisa and Julia, and I can't really wear him while doing that! Also, maybe going to yoga class again? So, I'm trying to get a little milk stashed for Paul to have, freeing me up to spend a bit more time away from home. I don't really feel any urges to be away from Henry per se, it's more just those few things that I'd like to do sans baby.

Final hooray for chiropractic adjustment!! Andrea really fixed me up the other day, and my whole outlook is improved. It's quite remarkable how back pain and misalignment can effect your whole self. I wish that she lived with me!



My poor baby

Mar. 23rd, 2009 at 9:22 PM

Our Henry is two months old today. We had a well-baby visit with his pediatrician, and deferred the vaccine decision for now. There was no pressure, but his doc recommends the usual APA schedule. We like our pediatrician a lot, and know that he values a lot of the same things we do (home birth, breastfeeding, gentle parenting). But, he emphasized a lot of studies in the "pro vax" vein.
I know that we need to shit or get off the pot soon, and make some form of decision, but it's feeling so difficult. When thinking about it and talking about it, Paul and I tend to get "and on the fifth hand..." because there seem to be so many considerations on either side. We just want to do what's best for our kid, and our crunchy parts say that it's scary to put stuff in his body. And our mainstream parts say it's scary for him to have whooping cough as a baby. There's so much information and opinion to digest. We're doing a lot of reading and talking.
We wouldn't have gotten Henry vaccinated today anyway, as he's in the throes of his first cold! Poor sad guy...his little nose is so congested, and runny at the same time. He's sneezing a lot and coughing a little. I've just been wearing him most of the day, and nursing him whenever he will. I squirt little bits of breast milk in his nose sometimes (which my mom seemed horrified by when I told her this afternoon during our visit). He's still happy, and smiling at me so much today. My heart could burst! I just love this little guy so much, it constantly catches me off guard and makes me so glad he chose us as his parents.

On a lighter note, he weighed 11 pounds, 1 ounce today, and has grown to 24 inches tall! He's moving right along, and I'm so happy my milk is so good for him.

I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from Paul lately. I think his switch to afternoon shift has something to do with that, because evenings were usually our family time. It's really nice to wake up together, in the daylight, rather than to a ghastly alarm. And Henry is super sweet in the morning, which I know Paul is loving being able to see. I think I just end up getting a little worn out feeling by the end of the day, and could use some company and some respite, and it's hard not having my partner here to help and love on me a bit. Poor me!




It moved me...

Mar. 22nd, 2009 at 7:57 PM

So, I have been communicating online via mothering.com forums with some UP mamas just to feel out the midwifery/birthing atmosphere in Marquette county, as we're considering moving there at some point in the future. One of the ladies posted a link to a news article with an amazing story:
http://www.miningjournal.net/page/content.detail/id/524498.html?nav=5006

Upon reading it, I was moved to tears...almost to sobs. This little babe, without a mother, who is so close to my Henry's age, being fed by women in his community. I'm getting teary just thinking about it at the moment, but some of the feeling I have is difficult to get into words. First, that this babe lost his mother without ever knowing her...did he ever even feel her skin or taste her milk? I can't imagine the depths and the heights this family is undergoing...adding a new soul which brings so much joy and love, and the loss of Susan in such a sudden way.

I posted a link on my facebook page, and one of my midwives forwarded it to Ina May Gaskin, who responded almost right away. She's going to put a block on the Safe Motherhood Quilt for Susan Goodrich.

This story makes me so very grateful for my own health, and my healthy son. I'm so proud of the women in Marquette that have stepped forward to nurse this baby, and I hope that it can continue. I know that I would want to help if I were near. It also makes me grateful for the mother's milk that we used when Henry went through his rough spot at the beginning. I know that it made a difference for him, and allowed me peace of mind knowing that he was getting extra mama's milk, and not cow's milk formula, until my milk was enough for him. Some people have expressed that I was a little extreme about it, but it was something that Paul and I felt so very strongly about. Had it not been feasible for us to get it from the bank, I would have sought out another nursing mom before giving Henry formula. Human milk for human babies! Speaking of which, I hear some squeaks from the Amby bed so I'd better get my bra unsnapped!



Night time ramble

Mar. 22nd, 2009 at 12:11 AM

I decided that I've been thinking enough about this journal this afternoon that I'd better check it out again and write a bit more while I have some quiet time. Henry's had a good day. I feel like I'm finally able to begin to tell the difference between "hungry" "tired" and "uncomfortable." He's so sweet and easy to take care of, and I am loving seeing him grow and get more pudgy on my milk. Seeing his smile start to appear, and hearing little flashes of his voice, I feel like my heart could pop, I love him so much!


I can't believe he'll be two months old tomorrow...the time has slid by quickly. On one hand, it seems like a long time since Henry's birth, but on the other hand, each day is over before I really fully appreciate that it's started. I feel a sense of unreality, which has been somewhat tempered lately with more trips out and about, and seeing other people. I've been feeling sort of crazy for the last few weeks; I want to plan and execute the plan, but can't usually do that, which ends up feeling like things are out of control. That's just one of my normal hang-ups that I work on though, so I think lack of sleep and being on "baby-time" just makes it seem more heavy-duty than it really is.

We ran some errands before Paul headed in to work today. We went to the diaper store to get the convertible carseat checked after a friend told me that I had it installed incorrectly. The woman who checked it helped us to position it correctly, and I feel better now. I've been going to the store frequently over the last few weeks as I discover diapering needs, or to exchange some of the stuff we received as gifts. I really want to support local businesses as much as possible, but damn! The owner of the store sure makes it hard to want to support her. Each time I've spoken with her, she's been snappy, sharp and doesn't listen to me. She seems to be one of those folks who just wants to be the one talking. I certainly appreciate expertise in areas in which I don't have knowledge, but she's just pushing the limits of politeness!

Okay, I had much more to say but my eyes are too gritty, so more later.



My first entry

Mar. 21st, 2009 at 8:54 AM


I like this idea! I used to be an obsessive journal keeper, but just haven't been doing so over the last few years. During my pregnancy, I kept a bit of a paper journal about how I was feeling and thinking. Since giving birth to Henry, I have written a bit about him, but I feel like there could always be more. I'm (sadly) so much more attuned to typing now...and hand writing anything more than a note or a list feels somewhat laborious. So, yay! for online journaling. I (now more than ever) live very much in my head, and the dialog can get a little circular sometimes. It helps to spit it out, and I know that it can start to feel a little "ad nauseum" to Paul and Holly (my confidantes).
I've been struggling the last few days with sleep deprivation...I can go a long time with broken sleep, but I think the cumulative effect of the last 8 weeks has finally caught up with me. My patience is really thin, and I'm starting to notice more selfish feelings. I'm more irritated by little things.
I know this means I need to start exercising, and doing more things to take care of myself. It's just hard, when Henry seems to need me so much. It's also rough with Paul working afternoon shift. Being home alone with Henry from 3-midnight just seems harder than being along from 7am-5pm. Why is that?

So, the action plan for the upcoming week:
1. Walking daily, either outdoors or at the studio on the treadmill if the weather is bad. Yoga class when possible. Solo practice when not.
2. Changing my diet from "free for all" back to whole foods, water, and human size portions rather than "momma-bear" sized portions.
3. Plan better for cooking real meals, instead of frittata all the time.

Long range action plan:
1. Investigating alternatives to working in the hospital.
2. Tweaking the budget to reflect the new changes in income, and output. Save more money, pay off debt.
3. Get the house more "finished" feeling and nested. It still feels temporary.